2015上海中考英语作文3例范文（附加分亮点分析）(3)

 

　　范文3及点评：

 

　　I Want To Invent A Family Doctor Robot

 

　　I want to invent a family doctor robot, which can be used to cure the illness without going out of their home. As far as I’m concerned, it will be extremely helpful and useful because of the following reasons:

 

　　First, you can see the doctor immediately at home when you feel sick or get hurt. It can save us a lot of time, especially in emergency situations.

 

　　Furthermore, hospitals today are always filled with patients, not everyone can be taken good care of. However, with the help of our robot doctors, you can talk to your personal doctor one to one whenever you want.

 

　　In short, family doctor robots can make great contribution to our society.

 

　　—新东方优能中考英语杨洋老师

 

　　精彩亮点分析：

 

　　亮点一：全文巧用“first,furthermore,inshort”等连接词，把家庭机器人医生的好处写的非常清晰，让阅卷老师一目了然。

 

　　亮点二：全文采用了定语从句、状语从句、并列句等多种长难句，为文采分增色不少。

 

　　亮点三：文中出现了“extremely,makecontributionto”这些超纲单词及词组，恰到好处地强调了家庭机器人医生的重要性，且为文采再次进行润色。